The Lost Boys

Was getting the tube on Sunday evening, when I noticed a group of punks at Tottenham Court Road, panic-strickenly looking for the Northern Line.

I've never seen such a group of anti-social anarchists so close to tears, all because they were desperately in search of signage or directions.

Where's your precious chaos now, eh?

The Expendables

It will be more than interesting to see what the critics have to say about this one, given that criticising such a blatantly ridiculous movie would be the journalistic equivalent of pilfering confectionery from an infant.

In short, it's the kind of movie that not so much asks you to leave your brain at the door as it does encourage you to send your brain off to the libary to do reading or some gay shit like that.

To say that the plot of the movie is quite simple is...well, an insult to the word simple. Stallone and his group of mercenaries go up against rent-a-villain Eric Roberts, bumping into a few big-name cameos along the way. There are some sub-plots about abusive boyfriends and the fact that Jet-Li is shorter than the rest of the cast (seriously), but fundamentally Plot and Script meekly take a back seat and let Mindless Action take the wheel like some crazy drunk driver: remember, this is a film where pretty much every one of the bad guys is shot multiple times and often additionally stabbed, decapitated and blown up for good measure.

However, notable non-action moments include the penultimate scene, where Stallone's character gives his mercenary salary to the girl he has fallen in love with, so that it may fund the rebuilding of her island and home town. And well he might, as it was him and his men that blew the shit out of it in the first place. An unintentional metaphor for US foreign policy? I like to think so.

There's also a very rare moment in the film of that pesky thing....um...oh yes, that's it: acting. Mickey Rourke's character tells a sad story from his past which culminates in him bursting into tears; the recounting of this tale is interspersed with shots of Stallone lazily leaning against a wall, looking incredibly bored. Presumably his character is wondering when he will next get to shoot someone / blow something up, and thinks that Pathos is actually an island off Greece.

See it, love it, hate it.
CB

PS Interesting fact: Jean Claude Van Damme was offered a role in the movie, but apparently turned it down on the basis that his proposed character 'lacked substance'.

Yep JC, because Cyborg, Timecop, Kickboxer and Street Fighter: The Movie are all obviously deep, painfully observed, multi-layered character studies..

Return to Blogland

It's been a while, but I've gotten back on that writing treadmill. I still have a few drafts to finish, but firstly wanted to comment on world happenings in the last week.

To begin, I draw your attention to the crazy cat-bin-woman (if that is in fact her real name), who has invaded youtube quicker than you can say 'two girls, one cup'. I speak of course of that infamous woman who was caught on CCTV during the week, throwing a cat into bin. As much as I'm not a fan of felines (for proof, see my educational website www.morethanonewaytoskinacat.com), I'm even less of a fan of portly, middle-aged women with short hair. So poor show, I say to her. Poor show.

For those of you who have not yet seen the video clip, it involves an unassuming woman walking down a road, noticing a poor, defenceless creature sitting on a wall; she walks over to pet it and show it a fleeting moment of affection, taking the time to gain its trust. And then cruelly shoves it into a wheelie bin.

Which incidentally, is a pretty accurate analogy of any relationship I've ever had with a woman.

In other news, it was the final of Big Brother last week. Yes, Big Brother: the televisual equivalent of that annoying houseparty guest who, despite your best efforts to steer out the front door at about 4am, refuses to leave. And just when you thought it was over, there follows a 2-week extension whereby 'memorable' housemates (read: those easily enticed by the prospect of easy money) re enter the Big Brother house...for no discernible reason.

In other (or what I like to call, 'grown-up') news:

-- Corpse of MI6 officer found stuffed inside a holdall: Police are treating the death as 'suspicious'.

-- BP miffed at missing out on opportunity to drill in the Arctic: the Greenland Bureau of Minerals and Petroleum say hey, there's no use crying over spilt oil.

-- Pakistani flood danger remains: "yes, yes, yes," says local resident, "But enough about our problems. Tell me this: what are you going to do about that awful cat-bin-lady?"

-- GCSE results higher than ever: YAAAAY. But the UK educational system has recently suffered more cuts than Edward Scissorhand's langer. The future looks equally bleak for both, so BOOOOOOOO.

-- Jordan and Alex Reid decide to....oh seriously, who gives a shite?

Lastly, The Expendables was released on the big screen in the last week. Yes Truffaut, yes Welles, yes Kurosawa- you may have tried to progress cinema as an art form; well I got three words for you homos: in yer FACE. We got explosions, we got mercenaries, we got Charisma Carpenter. what more do you need? After all, cinematic nutrition follows the same rules as any diet, so in the words of Marie Antoinette, let them eat junk food.

I heard a radio spot from The Expendables the other day. No joke, it went as follows (you can almost picture the distributors editing it together):

Opens with big rock track in background (Something by Guns n Roses.... "Paradise City"? Hmmm why not.) Then a growling voiceover:

"EVERYONE's talking about it. The NUMBER ONE UK movie, starring:

STALLONE.
(whooping sound of punch being thrown)
STATHAM.
(crunching sound of bones being broken)
LI.
(blasting sound of machine gun burst)
The EXPENDABLES.

The GREATEST action movie cast EVER assembled.

Cue line of dialogue from the movie which wittily ties in with the radio spot. Statham says:

"that sounds like a statement."

I'll give it this: it's a persuasive radio spot. By the end of it, you'll be half thinking of christening your first-born child 'Stallone Statham Li'. Stallone Statham Li O'Connor. It's got a ring to it.

And, in a cinematic age when a film like Piranha 3D opens at #4 at the US box office and already has a sequel in the works, who can be suprised? A movie, the plot of which surely started out life on the back of a beer mat, as follows:

Despite my cynicism, am I going to see The Expendables myself? You're DAMN right I am!

And if it happens to be sold out, maybe I can fall back on something with a similar level of depth, memorable performances and character development. Like Space Chimps 2.

Peace out