There's a wise old saying I know:
Love is like a fart. If you try
to force it, it's probably shite.
These words float through my mind
as I sit there, whittling away subscriptions to various dating websites. You
know the ones: www.singleandbitter.com, www.tiredofclubbing.co.uk,
www.notinvitedtodinnerpartiesanymore.org.
I trawl through thumbnail picture
after thumbnail picture, convincing myself that I'm not actually surfing the
human equivalent of Amazon.
And the one question I’ve always
been bothered with is this: if love is truly like a fart, is online dating the
laxative?
The short answer, I've realised,
is no.
Although my journey to the truth
has not been without its detours.
Let me jump back a step.
My childhood, and indeed
teenhood, was largely misspent in cinemas and video shops. I gorged myself on
the films of, amongst other prominent eighties directors, John Hughes.
So, long before I subscribed to
dating websites, I subscribed to something more dangerous entirely: the simple
notion that love will find me, rather than the other way around.
But the scribe of my life story
obviously had writers block when it came to romantic interest.
Whilst other people seemed to be
snagging life partners like some manic version of musical chairs, there had
been no magical climactic romcom scene for me so far, no carefully orchestrated
prelude to my own happy-ever-after.
Admittedly not many blokes think
like this. I just happened to be so doped up on Hollywoodisms that it would
take decades of rehab to flush it out of my system.
But overall, it's not even about
gender. Just as women recognise that their biological clock has no snooze
button, the average thirtysomething male despairs at his expanding paunch and
depleting hair follicles and realises that time too could be running out for
him.
And so, most people, be they male
or female, seem to coincidentally find 'true love' somewhere within that decade
before they hit thirty five, spawning a bonny litter of rugrats along the way.
This need to breed is obviously
no new phenomenon. From my (very) long-ago days of bible-reading, I remember the tale of Noah.
Noah, and his Ark
So, whether attributable to
time's ravages upon the body, or deeper still, attributable to some instinct
imprinted in the darkest recesses of our subconscious, coupledom is an
unshakeable concept as we grow older. I don't have a long-term single friend
who hasn't drunkenly confided to me at some stage that they secretly yearn to
be in a relationship (incidentally I also don't have a friend in a long-term
relationship who hasn't drunkenly confided to me at some stage that they
secretly yearn to be single again. But hey: that's a subject for another blog)
So, with all this in mind, who
wouldn't shamelessly admit to finding the internet a friendlier hunting ground
than any nightclub dancefloor?
The internet, after all, is
merely an evolutionary step in the age-old practice of finding that special
someone.
In prehistoric times, remember
that it was perfectly acceptable to bash a prospective mate on the head with a
wooden club and drag them back to your cave. Caves then gave way to village
dance halls, which gave way to city singles bars, which gave way to internet
chatrooms. Wooden clubs may have long since been replaced with cheesey one
liners and cheap cologne, but you might find they still work for you.
Note: use of wooden clubs is of
course still considered common courting practice in some Irish counties.
So how best to navigate the
minefield of online dating? Help is on hand, in the form of wisdom gleamed from
my own personal tour of duty in the internet trenches. May it help you more
than it has me:
1) Do not be embarrassed by the whole
lonely-hearts-column stigma of dating websites. It is no longer paedophiles
and rapists that look for love online; there are tons of nice, normal and
awesome people there too.
2) Be selective in your website choice.
One of my chosen sites was pretty liberal and left wing, prompting my friends
to remark: “Isn’t that site just full of vegan feminists?” As if scripted, I
was then ‘liked’ by a vegan feminist (CryAtTheMoon84) literally the next day.
All I’m saying is, there is a thin line between coincidence and evidence.
3) Be creative with your profile. We've
all heard the advice 'be yourself', but let's face it: you've probably followed
that advice out there in the real world and look where that's got you? That's
right: online. So no harm in bending the truth a little to appear, say, more
wealthy or attractive than you actually are. As my ol' Grandpappy used to say,
it's better to get the fish in the boat before you worry about what bait you're
using.
4) Having said that, for Christ's sake be
honest about your height. It's all too easily rumbled, yet for most women,
this is the one non-negotiable point that most men try to bluff. Come on lads:
how long is that cunning charade going to last? You can't spend every date seated.
5) Include at least one skiing photograph in
your profile gallery. I don't know why, but everyone seems to do it. If
you've never been skiing, just photoshop one
6) Read the small print. If a girl is
thirty seven and has explicitly stipulated in her profile that she wants
children, chances are she aint fooling around. So if your first date winds up
feeling like an interview for sperm donation, it's probably your own fault.
7) Be realistic with your expectations. Per
point 3 above, competition is fierce and people may take liberties with their
profile. So don't be disappointed if they are not quite as witty or interesting
as their carefully-crafted profile implies. Similarly, photographs can be
manipulated too, so don't be surprised if that leggy blonde bombshell you've
been emailing for the past week ends up looking like the Gruffalo come date
night.
8) Start with a drink somewhere mutually
convenient. I met a girl who confessed that she used to meet prospective
dates at a bar situated across the street from her flat. From there, she had a
perfect vantage point of the bar entrance so that if a guy turned up and didn't
physically tick the expectations-box, she would text him with a last-minute
excuse to cancel the date. I've met less coldhearted snipers than that chick.
9) Retain the mystery. Girls generally
want a guy who's open and honest. That said, it doesn't hurt to keep something
up your sleeve, like your secret musical prowess with a kazoo. Or something to
that effect.
10) By all means, move in for the snog, but
don't be too forward on the first
date. I asked a girl about her worst first-date experience. She replied
that the guy stopped mid-meal, dabbed the corners of his mouth with a napkin
and delicately said: "Listen, if we are going to (and here he mimed
inverted commas with his fingers) get
into it tonight, you should know that my hair loss medication may affect my ability to perform."
Waiter, bill please.
So there you have it. My time out
in the field has not been in vain. To be honest, I'm not even sure if I'm ready
to come in from the field just yet. There are some amazing, diverse people
online and it certainly broadens both the scope of people you meet and the
chances of striking a connection.
So I remain hopeful that fate
exists in the online process as much as any other. Who knows? Perhaps Cupid uses an internet server these days instead
of a bow and arrow.
Happy hunting.
C
