It's no secret that I'm occasionally a sceptical soul. Particularly so when it comes to horoscopes and star signs (though I still feel an inexplicable urge to read them from time to time).
Zodiac shmodiac, I just have a problem with anything that gives people false hope, be it faith healers, witch doctors, psychics or whatever. If anyone truly were psychic, wouldn't they be a billionaire by now? I know that if I had such 'powers' I would doubtlessly use them to predict fluctuations in the stock market or read Bill Gates' mind and produce a rival to Microsoft Windows. Doors, from Brendansoft, perhaps?
But I digress. Fed up with it all, I have therefore compiled my own horrorscope listing for this week... See? Anyone can do it.
Gemini
Jupiter is moving into opposition with Mars and Saturn, but with Venus coming out of Capricorn expect some major changes ahead.
Cancer
Venus is moving in with Uranus, Jupiter is having an affair with Saturn, and Mars is pissed off that nobody wants to go for a drink with him anymore.
You think that 'certain somebody' at work hasn't noticed you yet...
Well you're right. They haven't. You're ugly.
Pisces
This week will involve multiple elements of chance and coincidence. It may be the week that you finally win millions on the Euro-lottery. Or it may be the week that you get crushed by a full-size Steinway grand piano. Who knows?
Aries
That biro you lost yesterday had actually slipped down between the middle two cushions on the sofa in the living room. Look harder next time.
Taurus
The colour mauve is particularly fortunate for you today. However, as you are severely colourblind, this information is pointless.
CB
Leo
Beware rusty thumb-tacks and potato waffles, especially on Tuesday.
Virgo
...rhymes with Birgo.
Libra
Your attitude to work lately is being noticed by the powers that be, and it won't be long until your efforts are recognised and, more importantly, rewarded.
On the flipside, your wife is sleeping with that bloke who occasionally comes to prune the hedges in the back garden. Sorry you had to find out this way.
Scorpio
Your GP tried ringing you earlier. Apparently the tests have come back, and that rash on your lower back is actually not as benign as previously diagnosed. Stop using the cream immediately and schedule an appointment at the surgery for sometime early this week.
Sagittarius
The financial landscape is turbulent at the moment. For maximum security and piece of mind, move your entire life savings to the following account immediately: Brendan O'Brendan, Brendanbank (London branch), account number: 21751414. Or else teeeerrrrrible things will happen.
Capricorn
Expect scattered showers of Jupiter in the early part of this week, with occasional spells of Saturn. The latter part of the week will be quite Venus with a front moving up from Uranus by the weekend. Average temperature of Mars degrees Celsius.
AquariusYou think that 'certain somebody' at work hasn't noticed you yet...
Well you're right. They haven't. You're ugly.
Pisces
This week will involve multiple elements of chance and coincidence. It may be the week that you finally win millions on the Euro-lottery. Or it may be the week that you get crushed by a full-size Steinway grand piano. Who knows?
Aries
That biro you lost yesterday had actually slipped down between the middle two cushions on the sofa in the living room. Look harder next time.
Taurus
The colour mauve is particularly fortunate for you today. However, as you are severely colourblind, this information is pointless.
CB
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